Help us compile a master post on ablism

[Kellis Amberlee]

Mod note

Evelyn, thanks for apologising. A second thanks to GoatLady for pointing out the ableism. Let's move on and focus on the topic at hand.

/mod out

[sullieseeburg]

I continue to learn things from the twitter account Everyday Ableism. https://twitter.com/EverydayAbleism

They are UK based, so that may be more helpful for some and less helpful for others, but they have a global following and often host brilliant discussions of issues with wide reach.

[Jane_the_chicken]

One of my friends maintains this Tumblr: http://theviolenceofstairs.tumblr.com/ that sort of compiles thoughts and different pieces of (often literary) discourse on disability, as sort of an outgrowth of her experience as a physically disabled poet. It's not as broadly based as some of the other sources here (most of my 101 and 102 knowledge about disability came from a site already mentioned, FWD) but I often find the things she picks out thoughtful and thought-provoking.

[GoatLady]

One point I would like to see in the master post is "Remember that there are people with various disabilities on this very forum." Because it seems like a lot of instances stem from the assumption that everyone here is non-disabled/sane/neurotypical when this is emphatically not true.

[Jane_the_chicken]

One thing that's not totally clear to me from this post is whether the goal is to build a master post of links or a master post of information.

It just occurred to me that just in case anyone has not read the original spoon theory post, it's very helpful: http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/artic ... on-theory/

[M.J.]

Hey Jane, thanks for asking! The intent is probably to do both to a certain extent. It's going to be a body of text which will reference and quote from other sources and also hopefully point to resources for further reading.

[Alicelove]

This link from The Toast is a beautiful essay regarding themes of understanding and accepting one's own disability, positive self-esteem, and integrating ones disability into a self-image which considers it a part of a whole, without making it a focal point. It also touches on concepts of ableism, in the form of others deifying those with disabilities, and the assumption that people who have a disability want to "fix" it. (And possibly other things I'm missing.)

http://the-toast.net/2015/05/26/creatio ... isability/

If included, it should make mention that the essay does use concrete religious symbology (God, Angels) which may not appeal to some readers. (But this Atheist-turned-Pagan who was never Christian at all thought it was handled very well and made perfect sense to her. I found it to be an appropriate use of metaphor without being overwrought, preachy or judgmental in any way.)

[wheelswithinwheels]

I just did some poking around in some of the output from BADD (blogging against disablism day - it is British, hence the different terminology apparently) and just encountered an Ableist Language masterpost-type-thing for the blog Feministe that looks like a useful model/resource:
http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2 ... -language/

[Lorelei]

This is excellent!

I'm fortunate that most of my circle of friends are actively checking their privileges and strive not to be ableist. I have noticed two less-than-ideal things, though, and I find them difficult to navigate, sometimes.

1. People resisting correction because their intentions were good (or they CLAIM their intentions were good, and sometimes it isn't worth the time to tweeze out which is which). This is actually pretty rare in my online circles, as I have stepped way back from folks who get all bristly and use "political correctness" as a negative thing. Ex: "Well, I have a [insert adjective here] friend who uses [ableist term] all the time!" or "I don't think mental illness should be stigmatized, so I don't think "crazy" is really a slur!"

2. People assuming the worst of others and correcting unintentional ableist words or comments very harshly, which feels shaming. Ex: Using a once popular slang term, "lame", to describe non-optimal things or situations. Sadly, this happens a lot. Someone who means well, Person A, fails to check privilege in a certain area, or uses a term that is ableist, but--perhaps unlike the campaign of awareness re: the R-Word, i.e., "retard"--they had never been told that or realized that it was ableist before. Person B proceeds to assume the worst or uses the mistake to correct Person A curtly or abruptly. Person A feels somewhat wrongfooted on multiple counts. Rocks fall, everyone dies, no one wins, everyone is unhappy. Ungood.

To further clarify, I see this happening a lot with feminist issues, and Person A in that scenario often is a cis het dude who gets butthurt, sometimes without good reason (the correction was appropriate and Person A just hates being told not to say or do something to check his privilege) and sometimes with good reason (yes, Person A said an unexamined sexist thing but did not pause to consider how sexist that thing is, is willing to be corrected and learn, but is not cool with being scolded and shamed by Person B for a failure to check privilege).

I don't think I am explaining this well, because I have limited patience for anti-feminist or sexist stuff, personally, and am at the point where I would silently make note of Person A's comments and see if there was a negative pattern going on (at which point I'd block or delete without arguing about it, because life is too short for The 'But Whyyyyyy?' Dance). And I disagree with the notion that we should use up our (probably limited) spoons coddling offensive people, so that's not it, either.

Halp?

Question: Can we have some scripts or suggestions for situation 2, where a Person A mis-steps, that lets us avoid being a Person B that assumes the worst of Person A or, worse, being a Person B who uses a good motivation/goal (not being an ableist person) to do a bad, jerkasaurus kind of thing (leaping to correct Person A harshly as a power play, or shame Person A for their mistake, which puts Person A on the defensive and unreceptive to changing their behavior/speech).

I admit that I find it very stressful to correct ANYONE, and am more avoidant than confrontational. That may be relevant. But I also find it much easier to fight and raise awareness and educate on others' behalf, because I know it sucks to lack privilege in one or more areas while having to deal with microaggressive crap, and yet I want to do so productively AND kindly.

Where's the line between coddling a willful jerk who whines about "PC stuff" and the "Mythical [Adjective Here] Friend Who Is OK With [Slur]" to avoid changing any behavior or speech, and correcting someone who goofed, but who CAN do better, and wants to do better?

Lastly, when do you know when to fish (give Person A another chance) or cut bait (unfriend/distance yourself from Person A, who apparently values making ableist slurs over continuing to hang out with you)?

Edited because I really goofed up my tags. Dangit. :(

[whollyword]

Lorelei, in my own attempts to ask for correction, I have leaned pretty heavily on "I am trying not to use words that conflate disability and non-optimal situations, because that can be hurtful to people with disabilities."

It doesn't work with a Person A who is all "Free Speech [TM] is more important to me than how anyone feels! You're not the boss of me!" Someone who's more invested in their legally protected right to say hurtful shit than in any other right? We're not going to be friends. But with someone who is open to hearing *why* I am asking them to avoid ableist language, it's not bad.

I agree with you that defensiveness is pretty hard to get past. If I can gently move someone from being defensive into being curious-- which sometimes happens in response to my saying "I'd be happy to talk more about my reasoning"-- we might be able to get somewhere. It helps a lot if I can keep my voice even and calm, whether or not I feel calm. (Shouldn't matter, but ah, well.)